The most helpful things parents can do are simple: let your adult child set how much they share, ask open questions instead of offering advice, avoid "just relax" and "have you tried" comments, and offer specific, no-strings help. If you offer money for treatment, be clear that it carries no expectations. Your own grief about not yet being a grandparent is real, but it is best shared with your partner or a friend, not with your child.
Parents of people going through infertility often describe feeling helpless. You raised this person, you have watched them want this for a long time, and there is very little you can do to change the outcome. What you can change is whether your child feels supported or pressured by you. That is not a small thing.
Let Them Set the Level of Sharing
Some people want their parents involved in every appointment. Others want to share almost nothing. Most are somewhere in between, and it can change month to month. Your adult child may also be protecting a partner who wants privacy.
A good opening is a single, open offer: "I know you are going through a lot. I am here if you ever want to talk about it, and I will not bring it up unless you do." Then keep that promise. If they share, listen. If they do not, do not take it personally. The guide on telling family about fertility struggles shows the kinds of boundaries people in treatment often set; reading it can help you understand where those requests come from.
What Not to Say (and What to Say Instead)
Most hurtful comments come from love and a wish to make things better. That is exactly why it helps to know which ones land badly. RESOLVE's guidance for friends and family makes many of the same points, and our guide to supporting a friend through infertility applies just as well to parents.
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| "Just relax and it will happen." | "This sounds really hard. How are you holding up?" |
| "Have you tried...?" (diets, supplements, positions) | "Is there anything you want me to read up on so I understand it better?" |
| "You can always adopt." | Say nothing about alternatives unless they bring them up. |
| "At least you have each other." | "I love you both and I am on your side." |
| "When are you going to give me grandchildren?" | Never ask this, of any adult child, in any context. |
| "Your cousin got pregnant right away." | Leave comparisons out entirely. |
| "Maybe it is not meant to be." | "Whatever happens, I will be here." |
Many common "helpful" tips are myths. If you want to understand what does and does not affect fertility, our article on fertility myths is a good read, but keep what you learn for your own understanding rather than turning it into advice.
How to Ask Without Prying
- Ask about them, not the outcome. "How are you feeling this week?" is easier to answer than "Any news?"
- Do not ask about timing. People in treatment often have specific test dates they would rather not be asked about. Let them tell you.
- Learn the basics on your own. Understanding what IUI or IVF involves means your child does not have to teach you during a stressful week. Our fertility treatments hub is a plain-language starting point.
- Include their partner. Your child-in-law is going through this too. A short message to them can mean a lot.
Practical Help That Actually Helps
Specific offers are easier to accept than "let me know if you need anything." Some ideas:
Offers parents can make
If They Choose Donors, Surrogacy or Adoption
Some couples build their families with donor eggs or sperm, a gestational carrier, or adoption. These choices can bring up unexpected feelings for grandparents, especially around genetics and family resemblance. Work through those feelings privately. What your child needs to hear is simple: "This is our grandchild, and we cannot wait to meet them." Ask how they would like you to talk about the child's origins with other relatives, and follow their lead on what is shared and with whom.
Offering Money Without Strings
Fertility treatment can be expensive and is often not fully covered by insurance. If you are in a position to help, money can be one of the most meaningful gifts you give. It can also create tension if it comes with unspoken expectations.
- Offer privately, once. "We would like to help with treatment costs if you want that. There is no pressure, and it is yours to use or not."
- Make it a gift, not an investment. Do not attach conditions about which clinic, which treatment, how many cycles, or how often you get updates.
- Be clear about the amount up front. Saying "we can contribute this much" avoids awkward repeat requests.
- Treat siblings fairly, or explain. If other children may feel it is unequal, think about how you will talk about that.
- Ask a tax professional about large gifts. Large gifts can carry tax reporting rules, so it is worth checking before you write a big check.
If your child is planning how to pay for treatment, financial planning for IVF and fertility treatment covers the main options they may be weighing.
Your Own Grief Is Real
You may be grieving too: for the grandchild you imagined, for traditions you hoped to pass on, and for your child's pain. That grief is legitimate. The difficulty is that your child cannot carry it for you while they are carrying their own.
Talk to your spouse, a close friend, a faith leader, or a counselor about your feelings. If friends your age are posting grandchild photos and it stings, it is fine to mute them for a while. Taking care of yourself means you can show up steadily for your child.
If the journey ends in a loss, or your child decides to stop trying, your role is the same: follow their lead. Our guides on trying again after stillbirth and living child-free after infertility describe what they may be going through.
To understand how your child may be fielding questions from others, FertileStart's articles on responding to baby questions and telling friends and family about trying show their side of the conversation.
If IVF is involved, ConceiveGuide's piece on the emotional side of IVF explains why the process is so draining.
Frequently Asked Questions
The Bottom Line
You cannot make your adult child pregnant, but you can make this stretch less lonely for them. Follow their lead on what to share, swap advice for listening, offer specific help and money without strings, and find your own place to grieve. Those choices tend to protect the relationship long after the fertility journey ends, however it ends.
Want to understand what they are going through?
Our emotional wellness hub gathers guides on the feelings that come with trying to conceive.
Visit the Emotional Wellness Hub →- RESOLVE, infertility and relationships: for friends and family. https://resolve.org/get-help/helpful-advice/infertility-and-relationships/for-friends-and-family/