When someone you care about is struggling to conceive, it can feel impossible to know what to say or do. You want to help, but you're afraid of saying the wrong thing or making them feel worse.

The fact that you're reading this means you care. That already matters more than you might realize. This guide will help you understand what your friend is going through, what helps and what hurts, and how to be present for them in a meaningful way.

Understanding What Your Friend Is Experiencing

Grief That Others Can't See

Each month brings hope, waiting, and then—often—loss. Not a visible loss, but a loss of possibility that's grieved privately. This cycle repeats month after month.

A Body That Feels Broken

Many people experiencing infertility feel betrayed by their own bodies. Something that seems so easy for others feels impossible for them, which can deeply affect self-worth and identity.

Loss of Control

In most areas of life, effort yields results. Infertility doesn't follow those rules. Your friend may feel helpless in a way they've never experienced before.

Relationship Strain

TTC can put pressure on relationships, intimacy, and finances. Your friend may be navigating multiple stressors simultaneously.

Isolation

Baby showers, pregnancy announcements, and even casual conversations can become painful. Your friend may be withdrawing from situations—and people—they used to enjoy.

What to Say (and What Not to Say)

Words matter—perhaps more than you realize. Here's guidance on how to communicate with care:

✓ What Helps
"I'm so sorry. This is really hard."
Simple acknowledgment without trying to fix or minimize
"I'm here for you, whatever you need."
Opens the door without pressure
"I don't know what to say, but I love you."
Honest and caring when you're at a loss
"Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather be distracted?"
Gives them control over the conversation
"I'm thinking of you."
Shows you care without requiring a response
✗ What Hurts (Even with Good Intentions)
"Just relax and it will happen."
Implies they're causing their own infertility; also not scientifically true
"Everything happens for a reason."
Suggests their suffering has a purpose, which can feel dismissive
"At least you can keep trying / have fun trying."
Minimizes the loss; TTC sex often isn't fun after months of disappointment
"Have you tried [supplement/position/diet]?"
They've likely researched exhaustively; unsolicited advice adds pressure
"My friend had trouble, then got pregnant when she stopped trying."
Anecdotes don't help and can feel dismissive of their specific situation
"You can always adopt."
Adoption isn't a consolation prize; also assumes they haven't considered all options

Scripts for Specific Situations

When They Share Bad News (Failed Cycle, Negative Test, etc.)

"I'm so sorry. That's devastating. I'm here if you need anything—even if it's just to sit in silence together."
Acknowledges the loss, offers presence, doesn't require them to respond
"This sucks. You don't have to be okay right now."
Validates their pain without toxic positivity

When They're in the Middle of Treatment

"How are you holding up? No pressure to share details—I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."
Shows care without demanding information they might not want to share
"I know you have a lot on your plate. Can I bring you dinner this week?"
Offers specific, practical help that reduces their burden

When You're Pregnant and They're Not

"I wanted to tell you privately before I announce more broadly. I know this might bring up complicated feelings, and that's okay. Your feelings are valid, and I love you either way."
Gives them space to process privately, acknowledges their pain, doesn't require immediate celebration

When You Don't Know What's Happening

"I don't want to pry, but I want you to know I'm here if you ever want to talk. And if you don't, that's okay too."
Opens the door without pressure; respects their privacy

Navigating Tricky Situations

They Decline Your Baby Shower / Kids' Birthday / Family Event

This isn't about you. Events with babies and children can be genuinely painful for someone struggling with infertility. Their absence doesn't mean they don't care about you or your family.

What to do: Accept graciously without guilt-tripping. Say something like: "I completely understand. Know that you're loved and we'll miss you, but no pressure at all." Then actually mean it—don't bring it up repeatedly or express disappointment.

Tip: Consider reaching out separately: "I know events like this can be hard. Want to grab coffee just the two of us next week instead?"

They Seem Distant or Pull Away

Infertility can be isolating, and your friend may be withdrawing to protect themselves. This isn't rejection—it's self-preservation. They may be avoiding situations where they'll have to perform happiness they don't feel.

What to do: Keep reaching out gently without pressure. Send a text like: "No need to respond—just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you." Don't take their distance personally, and let them know the door is open whenever they're ready.

You Want to Ask About Their Journey But Don't Want to Pry

The line between showing interest and being intrusive can feel unclear. Some people want to talk about it; others find questions exhausting.

What to do: Let them lead. You might say: "I care about what you're going through. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here. And if you'd rather not, that's completely okay too." Then follow their cues—if they share, listen. If they change the subject, let them.

You Don't Know If They're Still Trying

Some people try for years without telling anyone. Others share openly. Some stop trying and don't want to talk about why. It's not always obvious where someone is in their journey.

What to do: Don't ask "So, are you still trying?" Instead, let them share on their own terms. Focus on being a supportive presence regardless of where they are in their journey. If they want you to know details, they'll tell you.

They're Doing IVF or Other Treatments

Fertility treatment is emotionally, physically, and financially demanding. There are injections, appointments, waiting periods, and high stakes. Each stage brings hope and potential devastation.

What to do: Be available but not intrusive. Don't ask "Did it work?" after every procedure—this puts pressure on them to share before they're ready. Instead: "I'm thinking of you during this time. I'm here whenever you want to talk—or whenever you want to be distracted."

Ways to Actually Help (Beyond Words)

Bring Food

Drop off a meal with no expectation to visit. Leave it at the door if that's easier for them.

Offer Specific Help

"Can I walk your dog Tuesday?" is more helpful than "Let me know if you need anything."

Send Care Packages

A cozy blanket, their favorite snacks, a book—small comforts that say "I'm thinking of you."

Plan Low-Key Hangouts

Movie night at home, a walk, grabbing coffee—activities that don't require emotional energy.

Remember Important Dates

If you know they have a big appointment or retrieval, send a text that day: "Thinking of you today."

Give Them an Out

When inviting them somewhere, add: "No pressure if you're not up for it—I totally understand."

Being There for the Long Haul

Infertility isn't a short-term crisis—it can stretch over years. Here's how to sustain your support:

📅

Keep Checking In

Don't disappear after the initial sharing. A monthly text, a random "thinking of you" message—these small touches show you haven't forgotten.

👂

Be Willing to Listen Repeatedly

They may need to process the same feelings multiple times. Don't say "I thought you were doing better." Grief isn't linear.

🎉

Celebrate Non-Baby Things

Help them feel valued for who they are beyond their fertility status. Celebrate their career, hobbies, relationships, adventures.

🛡

Be a Buffer in Group Settings

If others ask intrusive questions ("When are you having kids?"), help redirect: "Let's not put them on the spot."

💪

Take Care of Yourself Too

Supporting someone through a hard time can be emotionally draining. It's okay to need breaks while still being a good friend.

If You're Pregnant and Your Friend Isn't

This is one of the most delicate situations to navigate. Your joy is valid AND their pain is valid. Both can coexist.

How to Tell Them

Tell them privately first—not in a group, not on social media where they'll find out with everyone else. Text or email gives them space to react privately.
Acknowledge their feelings: "I know this news might bring up complicated emotions, and I completely understand."
Don't require immediate celebration: "You don't need to respond right away. I just wanted you to hear from me directly."
Give them an out from pregnancy-related events: "I understand if baby showers and such aren't something you can do right now. It won't change our friendship."
Let them set the pace for how much they hear about your pregnancy. Some friends will want all the details; others will need distance.
Don't complain about pregnancy to them unless they specifically invite it. Your swollen feet are real, but they'd trade places in a heartbeat.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if I say the wrong thing? +

It might happen. If you realize you've said something hurtful, a simple "I'm sorry—I shouldn't have said that" goes a long way. Don't make it about your guilt; just acknowledge and move on. Your friend knows you're trying, and genuine care covers a lot of missteps.

Should I ask about their fertility journey or wait for them to bring it up? +

Generally, let them lead. You can create openings ("I'm here if you ever want to talk") without directly asking. Some people find it exhausting to be asked repeatedly; others feel hurt when friends don't ask at all. If you're unsure, ask: "Would you like me to check in about how things are going, or would you prefer I let you bring it up when you want to?"

They seem fine—do they still need support? +

Many people put on a brave face in public. "Seeming fine" doesn't mean they are fine. Continue to check in, offer support, and create space for honesty. Sometimes the friends who seem most okay are the ones working hardest to hold it together.

What if they're making choices I disagree with (about treatment, stopping, etc.)? +

This is their journey, not yours. Your role is to support them, not to guide their decisions. Unless they specifically ask for your opinion, keep it to yourself. What matters most is that they feel loved and supported regardless of the path they choose.

How do I support a male friend going through this? +

Men often have fewer outlets to discuss infertility and may feel additional shame given societal expectations about masculinity and virility. They may process differently—some want to talk, others want distraction. Follow the same principles: be present, don't minimize, don't offer unsolicited advice, and don't assume you know what they're feeling. Let them know it's okay to not be okay.

The Most Important Thing

You won't always know the right thing to say. That's okay. What matters most is that you show up, consistently, imperfectly, with love. Your presence means more than perfect words ever could. The fact that you're reading this guide already shows how much you care—and that care is what your friend needs most.

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