🗣️ Couples & Communication
25 Questions to Discuss With Your Partner Before Trying for a Baby
Deciding to try for a baby is exciting, and it is also a good moment to make sure you are on the same page about the things that change once a child arrives. These 25 questions are meant to be talked through over a few evenings, not answered in one sitting.
By HowToHaveABaby.com
📅 Updated October 2026
⏱️ 7 min read
✓ Evidence-informed, not medical advice
Quick Answer
Before you start trying, talk through five areas together: timing and family size, money and work (including parental leave and childcare), health (a preconception checkup and medication review for both partners), parenting values and family roles, and what you will do if getting pregnant takes longer than you expect. You do not need perfect agreement on every question. The point is to find big gaps early, while they are still easy to talk about.
Most couples talk about whether they want children. Fewer talk through how it will actually work. The questions below come from the topics that most often cause friction after a baby arrives, plus a few that matter if conception does not happen right away. Treat them as conversation starters. Some will take a minute, and some may take a few talks.
How to Use This List
- Spread it out. Pick one section per evening or per walk. Twenty-five heavy questions in one night is a recipe for a fight.
- Answer separately first. Each of you jots down answers, then compare. You will hear more honest answers that way.
- Look for big gaps, not small ones. Disagreeing about screen time at age six is normal. Disagreeing about whether one of you stays home is worth working through now.
- It is fine to say "I do not know yet." Many of these answers will change. That is expected.
If one of you is less sure about timing than the other, read when one partner is not ready for a baby before working through the list.
The 25 Questions
Timing and family size
1
How many children do we each picture, and roughly when?
A rough shared picture matters more than an exact number. It shapes when you start and how you space children.
2
What would make now the right time, and what would make it the wrong time?
This often surfaces the real conditions each of you has in mind.
3
How long are we willing to try on our own before seeing a doctor?
ASRM recommends an evaluation after 12 months of trying if the female partner is under 35, and after 6 months at 35 or older. Agreeing on this now prevents a fight later.
Money and work
4
What does our budget look like with a baby in it?
Think about childcare, health insurance costs, and a possible drop in income during leave.
5
What parental leave do our jobs actually offer?
Check the real policies rather than assumptions, including any job-protection rules and eligibility periods.
6
Will either of us change our work after the baby arrives?
Going part-time, staying home or switching jobs are all big decisions that work best when made together.
7
Who will provide childcare, and what will it cost where we live?
Waitlists for daycare can be long in some areas, so it is worth looking early.
8
Do our employers or insurance cover fertility care if we need it?
Coverage varies widely. Knowing in advance avoids a scramble if trying takes longer than expected.
Health
9
Have we both had a preconception checkup?
A visit before trying is a chance to review vaccines, chronic conditions, and folic acid, among other things.
10
Are either of us taking medications that need a review?
Some prescriptions should be changed before pregnancy. Do not stop anything on your own; ask your prescriber.
11
Is there anything in our family medical histories we should look into?
Genetic carrier screening is an option many couples consider before trying.
12
What habits do we each want to change, and will we do it together?
Smoking, alcohol, and sleep affect both partners, and changes are easier as a team.
Parenting and values
13
How were we each raised, and what do we want to repeat or do differently?
This is often the most revealing question on the list.
14
How do we each feel about discipline and screen time?
You do not need full agreement now, but big gaps are better found early.
15
What role, if any, will religion or culture play in raising our child?
Include practical details, such as naming traditions, ceremonies, and schooling.
16
How will we split night feeds, appointments, and household work?
Unspoken assumptions about who does what are a common source of resentment after a baby arrives.
17
What role do we want our families to play?
Grandparent involvement, visits, and boundaries are easier to agree on before there is a baby to visit.
Your relationship
18
How will we protect time for each other?
Date nights may sound trivial, but a plan is easier to keep than a vague intention.
19
Are there any unresolved issues between us we should deal with first?
A baby rarely fixes a strained relationship. It usually adds pressure.
20
How do we each handle stress, and what helps the other person?
Trying to conceive, pregnancy, and a newborn can all be stressful. Knowing how to support each other helps.
What if it takes a while
21
How will we handle it if we do not get pregnant quickly?
Many couples take several months or longer. Decide how you want to talk about it as the months pass.
22
Who, if anyone, will we tell that we are trying?
Some couples share widely for support; others keep it private. Agree before someone asks.
23
How far would we each be willing to go with fertility treatment?
You do not need final answers, but knowing each other's general comfort level with testing, medication, or IVF helps.
24
Would we consider other paths, such as donor eggs or sperm, or adoption?
Again, early instincts are enough. Feelings often change with time and information.
25
What would we do if we found out one of us has a fertility problem?
Talk about how you would support each other without blame. Fertility issues affect men and women.
Turning Your Answers Into a Plan
Once you have worked through the list, a few practical next steps usually fall out of it:
Common next steps
1
Book preconception visits
2
Start the health countdown
3
Check coverage and leave
Pull your actual parental leave policy and health plan documents. If you have employer fertility benefits, see what they include;
fertility benefits by employer shows the kinds of programs that exist.
4
Learn your fertile window
5
Consider carrier screening
When to call a doctor rather than keep trying
ASRM recommends a fertility evaluation after 12 months of trying when the female partner is under 35 and after 6 months at 35 or older. If either of you has a known condition, such as irregular or absent periods, endometriosis, or a past testicular problem, it makes sense to ask sooner.
If the Conversation Gets Hard
Some of these questions touch sore spots: childhood, money, faith, or doubts about readiness. If you find yourselves stuck on one, park it and come back another day. If you keep getting stuck on the same question, a couples counselor can help. Talking through hard topics before a baby arrives is a sign of a strong relationship, not a weak one.
Faith and family traditions can be especially tender ground, particularly in interfaith or intercultural relationships. Our article on fertility and faith touches on how couples navigate those differences.
For the medical side of getting ready, FertileStart's preconception checkup guide lists what the visit covers, and its money talk and budget guide goes deeper on the financial questions.
If you want more than one child, LifeFertile's guide to planning the age gap between children is a useful companion to the first section.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should couples discuss before trying for a baby?
The main areas are timing and family size, money and work (including leave and childcare), both partners' health, parenting values and family roles, your relationship, and what you will do if conceiving takes longer than expected.
Do we need to agree on everything before we start trying?
No. Small differences are normal and many answers will change. The goal is to find big gaps early, such as whether one partner will stay home or how far you would go with fertility treatment.
Should both partners see a doctor before trying to conceive?
It is a good idea. A preconception visit lets each partner review medications, vaccines, chronic conditions and family history before pregnancy.
How long should we try before seeing a fertility doctor?
ASRM recommends an evaluation after 12 months of trying when the female partner is under 35, and after 6 months when she is 35 or older. Ask sooner if either partner has a known fertility-related condition.
What if we disagree about when to start?
Find out what is behind each position, agree on a concrete next step and a date to revisit, and consider a couples counselor if you keep circling the same argument.
The Bottom Line
You do not need every answer before you start trying, but talking through these 25 questions will tell you where you agree, where you differ, and what to do first. Spread the conversations out, answer separately before comparing, and turn what you learn into a few practical steps, starting with a preconception checkup for both of you.
Sources and verification. The question list is editorial guidance, not a clinical or financial tool. The evaluation timing is from ASRM.
This article is for educational purposes only and isn't a substitute for personalized medical advice. It has not been reviewed by a clinician. Always talk to a qualified healthcare provider about your specific situation. See our
medical disclaimer.