Single Mom by Choice: Your Complete Guide to Solo Conception
Everything you need to know about donor sperm, conception methods, costs, legal protection, and building your village—from someone who gets it
Single mothers by choice (SMCs) have multiple pathways to parenthood: IUI with donor sperm is the most common starting point, with success rates of 10-20% per cycle under 35. Total costs typically range from $2,000-$5,000 per IUI attempt (including sperm), or $15,000-$30,000+ for IVF. The most important first step? Get a fertility workup to understand your baseline, then choose between known vs. anonymous donors based on what matters most to you and your future child.
Key Takeaways
You're Not Waiting Anymore—You're Choosing
Let's start here: deciding to become a single mother by choice isn't a consolation prize. It's not "settling" because Mr. Right didn't show up on schedule. It's an active, deliberate, often courageous decision to build the family you want on your own terms.
Maybe you've always known you wanted to be a mother. Maybe you've been watching the calendar and your fertility window with increasing urgency. Maybe you've dated plenty but haven't found a partner who shares your timeline or parenting vision. Maybe you simply don't want a co-parent.
All of these reasons are valid.
The Single Mothers by Choice organization (founded in 1981) estimates there are over 30,000 members in the U.S. alone, and the actual number of women choosing this path is likely far higher. You are absolutely not alone in this.
The decision to have a child is never as simple as "I want a baby." It's "I'm ready to reorganize my entire life around another human's needs, and I'm willing to do it without a guaranteed co-pilot."
— That's a big deal. Honor it.
Your Conception Pathway Options
Once you've made the decision (or while you're still deciding), you'll need to understand your options for actually getting pregnant. Here are the main pathways:
Sperm is placed directly into your uterus around ovulation. Can be done with a natural cycle (no medication) or medicated cycle (Clomid, Letrozole, or injectables to stimulate more eggs).
Best for: Women under 38 with no known fertility issues, open fallopian tubes, and adequate ovarian reserve.
Typical plan: Most doctors recommend trying 3-6 IUI cycles before moving to IVF.
Eggs are retrieved, fertilized with donor sperm in a lab, and the resulting embryo(s) transferred to your uterus. Allows for genetic testing (PGT) and embryo freezing for future siblings.
Best for: Women over 38, those with diminished ovarian reserve, blocked tubes, endometriosis, or after failed IUI attempts.
Bonus: If you freeze embryos, you have a defined number of potential children from one egg retrieval—helpful for planning siblings.
Using a known donor's fresh sperm, you can perform intracervical insemination (ICI) at home with a needleless syringe. Some sperm banks also ship ICI-ready vials for home use.
Best for: Those with known donors, good fertility indicators, and comfort with DIY approach.
Critical warning: Without proper legal contracts, a known donor could have parental rights or responsibilities. ALWAYS use a reproductive attorney.
One partner provides eggs, the other carries the pregnancy. Both partners have a biological connection to the child. Mentioned here because some SMCs pursue this later with a new partner.
Also relevant: If you're considering egg freezing now and RIVF later, this is an option to keep on your radar.
Choosing Your Donor: The Big Decision
This might be one of the most emotional parts of the process. You're choosing half of your child's genetic makeup. No pressure, right?
Sperm Bank (Anonymous or Open-ID Donor)
How it works: You browse donor profiles online, reviewing physical characteristics, health history, education, personal essays, baby photos, and sometimes audio interviews. You purchase vials and have them shipped to your clinic.
Anonymous donors agreed to remain anonymous. The child cannot contact them, though DNA testing (23andMe, etc.) has made true anonymity nearly impossible.
Open-ID donors (also called "willing to be known") agreed that donor-conceived children can request identifying information when they turn 18. This is increasingly the preferred option as research shows many donor-conceived people want to know their genetic origins.
Research consistently shows that donor-conceived children often want to know about their genetic origins—not necessarily for a relationship, but for identity, medical history, and closure. Choosing an open-ID donor gives your future child that option.
Pros of sperm banks:
- Extensive health and genetic screening (much more thorough than any one-night-stand would provide)
- Clear legal boundaries—donors sign away parental rights
- Wide selection to find characteristics that matter to you
- No ongoing relationship to navigate
- Donor Sibling Registry allows connecting with half-siblings if desired
Cons:
- Expensive ($800-$1,200+ per vial, need 1-2 per cycle)
- Limited information compared to knowing a person
- Your child may have many half-siblings they don't know
- Even "anonymous" donors can be found through DNA databases now
Known Donor (Friend, Acquaintance, or Found Online)
How it works: Someone you know (or meet through networks like Known Donor Registry or Pride Angel) agrees to provide sperm. The donation can happen fresh (more effective) or through a clinic (safer legally).
Pros:
- Your child can know their genetic father
- Complete health/personality knowledge
- Lower cost (no per-vial fees)
- Potential for ongoing relationship on your terms
Cons:
- Legal complexity is significant—without proper contracts, known donors can sue for custody or be sued for child support
- Relationships can change; today's generous friend might want more involvement than you planned
- Less thorough health screening unless you pay for it
- Emotional complications if the arrangement sours
If you use a known donor, you must work with a reproductive attorney to create a donor agreement BEFORE any insemination. This protects both parties. States have wildly different laws about donor rights—some protect you automatically if you go through a licensed physician, others don't. Do not skip this step. Budget $2,000-$5,000 for legal fees.
The Real Costs: What to Budget
Let's break down what this journey actually costs. These are U.S. averages as of 2025-2026—your location and circumstances will vary.
| Expense | Low End | High End |
|---|---|---|
| Initial Fertility Workup Blood tests, ultrasound, HSG |
$500 | $2,000 |
| Donor Sperm (per vial) ICI or IUI-washed |
$700 | $1,200 |
| Sperm Shipping Per shipment |
$200 | $400 |
| IUI Procedure Clinic fee only |
$300 | $1,500 |
| Monitoring (ultrasounds, bloodwork) Per cycle |
$300 | $800 |
| Medications (Clomid/Letrozole) Per cycle |
$30 | $150 |
| Medications (Injectables) If needed |
$1,500 | $4,000 |
| IVF Cycle Retrieval + transfer |
$12,000 | $25,000 |
| PGT Genetic Testing Per embryo batch |
$3,000 | $6,000 |
| Legal Fees Donor agreement/parental rights |
$1,500 | $5,000 |
Best case (pregnant on IUI #1-2): $4,000-$8,000
Typical IUI journey (3-4 cycles): $12,000-$20,000
IVF needed (1-2 cycles): $25,000-$50,000
IVF + multiple FETs: $40,000-$70,000+
Ways to Reduce Costs
- Check insurance carefully: Some plans cover fertility treatment regardless of marital status (especially employer plans in states like New York, Massachusetts, Illinois)
- Employer benefits: Companies like Starbucks, Amazon, and many tech firms offer fertility benefits to all employees
- Shared-risk/refund programs: Some clinics offer packages where you pay upfront for multiple cycles with a partial refund if unsuccessful
- Clinical trials: ClinicalTrials.gov lists studies that may cover treatment costs
- Grants: Baby Quest Foundation, The Cade Foundation, and others offer grants to hopeful parents
- Buy sperm in bulk: Some banks offer discounts for multi-vial purchases (helpful for planning siblings anyway)
The Step-by-Step Timeline
Here's what your journey might look like from decision to positive test:
Before You Start: The Essential Checklist
Building Your Village Before Baby
This is possibly the most important section of this article. Solo parenting is hard—not impossible, but genuinely difficult. The SMCs who thrive are the ones who build their support network before baby arrives.
Your Village Might Include:
- Family members who are enthusiastically supportive (not those who make you defend your choice)
- Close friends willing to show up—for the 2am texts and the Saturday afternoon help
- Other SMCs who get it (Single Mothers by Choice organization, Facebook groups, local meetups)
- Practical help: neighbors, hired support (night nurse, postpartum doula, regular babysitter)
- Professional support: therapist familiar with SMC issues, pediatrician who respects your family structure
Forget the baby shower registry advice for a moment. What you'll need most: someone to bring food the first few weeks, someone who can hold the baby while you shower, someone to text at 3am when you're crying and the baby is crying, and eventually—someone who can watch the baby so you can have a life. Start identifying these people now.
Talking About It: Who, When, and How
You don't owe anyone an explanation for your family-building choices. But you will face questions, and having your own clarity helps.
Telling Family
Some families will be thrilled. Others will worry, judge, or need time. Consider telling your most supportive person first to build momentum. You don't have to announce until you're ready—some SMCs wait until pregnant, others share from the start.
Telling Your Employer
You're not obligated to disclose fertility treatment. Many SMCs keep it private until pregnancy. Know your company's parental leave policy and your legal rights before sharing.
What to Tell Your Child
Experts consistently recommend age-appropriate honesty from the start. Children who always knew their conception story adjust better than those told later. Simple language for young kids: "Mommy wanted you so much. A nice man called a donor helped us, and that's how you came to be."
"Single Mothers by Choice" by Jane Mattes is the foundational book for SMCs, written by the founder of the SMC organization. It covers the decision-making process, practical planning, and what to expect.
View on Amazon →Age-Specific Considerations
Under 35
You have time to try IUI without feeling rushed. Success rates are highest, and you can be more conservative with medication protocols. Consider freezing eggs or embryos if you want more than one child—it preserves your current egg quality for future siblings.
35-38
Still good IUI candidate, but be more aggressive with monitoring and medication if natural cycles don't work quickly. After 3 failed IUIs, seriously consider IVF. Egg/embryo freezing for siblings becomes more urgent.
38-40
Many REs will recommend going straight to IVF due to declining egg quality. If IUI, consider adding injectables rather than oral meds only. PGT testing can help identify chromosomally normal embryos.
Over 40
IVF is typically the recommended path. Success rates decline significantly, and multiple cycles may be needed. Donor eggs may be discussed if your own eggs aren't viable. This is not failure—it's biology—and many SMCs build beautiful families with donor eggs.
Resources Specifically for SMCs
"Motherhood So White" by Nefertiti Austin — Memoir about becoming a Black single mother through adoption, with universal themes about intentional motherhood and navigating systems that weren't built for you.
View on Amazon →"The New I Do" by Susan Pease Gadoua — For those considering co-parenting arrangements or non-traditional family structures.
Frequently Asked Questions
For most women under 38 with no known fertility issues, IUI is the logical starting point—it's less invasive, less expensive, and has reasonable success rates (10-20% per cycle). If you have blocked tubes, very low ovarian reserve (AMH under 1.0), endometriosis, or are over 40, your RE may recommend going straight to IVF. After 3-4 failed IUI cycles, IVF typically becomes the next step. Some women skip straight to IVF because they want to freeze embryos for future siblings while their eggs are younger.
Increasingly, experts recommend open-ID (willing to be known) donors. Research shows many donor-conceived people want to know about their genetic origins—not necessarily for a relationship, but for identity and medical history. Also, with at-home DNA testing, true anonymity is largely impossible anyway. That said, this is deeply personal. Some SMCs prefer more distance; some known-donor arrangements work beautifully. Think about what your child might want at age 18, 25, 40.
Most clinics recommend 1-2 vials per IUI cycle (some do two inseminations 24 hours apart). Popular donors sell out fast. A conservative approach: buy enough for your current treatment plan plus some for future siblings. That might mean 6-10+ vials if you want more than one child from the same donor. Storage fees apply, but running out of your donor mid-journey is worse.
Not necessarily for the donation itself—sperm banks have standard contracts that terminate donor parental rights. However, you should consult a family law attorney about: establishing parentage on the birth certificate (varies by state), drafting your will and guardianship documents, and understanding your rights in your specific state. This is especially true if you might move to another state before the child turns 18.
This is painful, but common. Some family members come around once the baby arrives. Others don't. What helps: (1) You don't owe anyone an extended defense of your choice. A simple "This is what I've decided, and I hope you'll support me" is enough. (2) Build your chosen family—friends, other SMCs, supportive relatives—so you're not dependent on reluctant family members. (3) Consider therapy to process feelings about family reactions. (4) Protect yourself from ongoing negativity; you can set boundaries about what topics are off-limits.
Start early with simple, positive language. Research strongly supports telling children their conception story from infancy—they grow up always knowing, which feels natural rather than like a revelation. For toddlers: "Mommy wanted you so much. A nice helper called a donor gave us what we needed to make you." For older kids, add more detail as developmentally appropriate. The key: your child should never remember a time they didn't know. Books like "The Kangaroo Pouch" and "Happy Together" are great resources.
Many SMCs actively seek out their child's donor siblings through the Donor Sibling Registry or sperm bank family matching programs. These half-sibling connections can be wonderful for children—additional family without custody complications. However, proceed at your own pace. Some families are very active in "sibship" communities; others prefer less contact. Your child may want to explore these connections as they get older, even if you don't initiate early.
It's different, not necessarily harder. Yes, you have less time and flexibility. But you also know yourself well, you're not desperate for a partner to complete your family, and you can be highly selective. Many SMCs report that intentional motherhood actually made them better daters—clearer about what they want and less willing to settle. That said, dating with a young child requires creativity, good childcare, and realistic expectations about time.
A Final Word: You've Got This
Choosing to become a single mother is one of the most significant decisions you'll ever make. It requires courage, planning, resources, and a willingness to do hard things. It also requires letting go of the fantasy of how you thought family would happen and embracing how it's actually happening for you.
You are not a cautionary tale. You are not settling. You are not depriving your child of anything essential. You are a person who wants to be a mother badly enough to make it happen, and that is a powerful foundation for any family.
The SMC community is full of women who've walked this path before you. Lean on them. Learn from them. And one day, you'll be the one helping another woman take her first steps toward intentional motherhood.
You've got this.
Medical Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider—ideally a reproductive endocrinologist—for personalized guidance about your fertility journey.